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Psychology Meet-Up 11/17

At the beginning of the school year, @cammysherbert and @failspy started up an inter-ALC offering: weekly psychology meet-ups, using Crash Course videos from YouTube. We meet every Tuesday, discuss a video we’ve independently watched, watch a second video, and have a second discussion session.

In recent weeks, we started discussing theories about our minds and selves. The episodes about Mind were interesting: we discussed cognitive development, how people learn, attachment, motivation, morality, and more. We had lots of conversations about how different theories made more or less sense as tools to understand our lives, as well as ways they do or don’t support what we do at ALC.

We started exploring our Selves with discussions about consciousness, Freud and Jung and Roraschach, where we see the impact of nature and nurture in our lives. We ended last week discussing whether Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development resonate with us, and we appropriately (considering Erikson’s emphasis on the importance of identity formation for adolescents…) spent this week talking about our personalities.

 

I watched the video with @douglasawesome @thewitchqueen908 @serenagermany and @xxxxpgainzxxx. Of course, even while discussing how none of the personality measurement schemas struck us as complete or perfect, they were most interested in figuring out who the tests would say they are. So we started to play:

We looked at the Meyers-Briggs test through a chart and this website where we played with the test.

Eli and Askani were saying how they love to take tests and joked about wanting to take the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory exam when the video mentioned it as the most comprehensive…joked until we learned that it was 500+ questions, that is.

We talked a little about Buzzfeed quizzes, why we want to develop our internal locui of control (as mentioned in the video) but also of identity…how we know that our identities are based more on what we decide than on what others say we are, but can still take quizzes for fun. And then we got into playing with other tools and schema.

For example, we explored the idea of Love Languages:

We explored the concept of gender expression:

And we ended brainstorming ways that these tools–developed for helping us measure and articulate the characteristics of our Selves–can alternatively be super useful when trying to improve communication or figure out how to best work/play with others. We’ll see if that’s where the Crash Course videos choose to direct our attention next 🙂

The Week! 11/9-11/13

We had such a full and busy week!

We’ve been having busy weeks in general. Mondays have Set-the-Week, Spawn, Acro, Maths, Drawing (or this week…cake decorating!), and usually a Werewolves game. If you wanted to participate in scheduled activities all day, you easily could.

I haven’t been. I’ve been spending much of my Mondays doing admin/email things…getting things set up and organized so they’re off my mind the rest of the week. That usually takes the morning–with a few breaks to do laps around the space and take pictures–and then I get to spend the afternoon hanging out and chatting with kids.

Tuesday we had lots of sword making this week. And music. In Psychology, we talked about child development last week and then theories for understanding consciousness this week. I love the Psychology offering and am so grateful that @cammysherbert and @failspy are running it. We’ve passed video 20 (CrashCourse), which feels really good. This week, I had a great conversation with Javair about what it would look like to take the theories and ideas from the videos this week and find ways to practice/apply them in trying to interact with other humans in ways that support them (and take care of us).

Wednesday we had our second field trip in a row to The Uncommons. Well…kindof to The Uncommons. We started at the Union Square Farmer’s Market. Then we walked to M2M (a Korean market), Sunrise Market (Japanese supermarket), Washington Square Park, The Uncommons, and back to Union Square to play at the playground there before returning to school. I’m grateful to @serenagermany @pigsfly @thewitchqueen908 and @failspy for coming (and to @ryanshollenberger for holding down the fort so we could go)! I love watching young people learn to navigate the city and become more confident travelers.

Thursday–yesterday–I’m not really sure what happened at school. It seemed like lots of woodworking and wrestling and programming. I was buried in spreadsheets and paperwork…Which I noticed feels much better when I’m in a room with big windows and people I love doing productive things around me.

Today I hosted a visitor, hung out with a different visitor, did some acro, and am blogging early (while most everyone else in engrossed in a Werewolves game). I’ve noticed that it’s difficult for me to make time to blog these days; during school blog time I’m supporting younger kids, after school I’m in meetings or catching up on emails/paperwork/admin things, and on weekends I’m catching up on housework and trying to maintain my non-ALC relationships. Excuses excuses…The point is that I already failed my intention to draw every day in November and I’ve been failing on blogging. BUT! I’m committing to blog early on Fridays, to make sure I’m blogging. And I have been reading kids’ blogs, but I want to be commenting more. Putting that in awareness for now…

 

 

 

On Consequences

The word “consequence” seems to trigger strong reactions from people, particularly in the context of adult-child relationships and school power dynamics.

Over and over, I have found myself clarifying that “consequence” is not the same as “punishment.” A consequence is simply the effect brought about by a decision or pattern of decisions. We tend to discuss undesirable consequences most frequently: if I don’t dress for the weather, I’ll be uncomfortable; if I break my word, others won’t trust me; if I don’t learn another language, I won’t be able to travel as independently or make as many friends as I otherwise would. However, there can be desirable consequences, too! If I exercise regularly, I’ll get stronger; if I call my mom, she’ll be happy and she won’t worry about me; if I play with a team, we can do more and stress less than we would solo. Consequences aren’t good or bad inherently. They just are.

Natural consequences, anyway. So what about contrived consequences? Constructed ones? Those artificially implemented…like the classic “if you don’t eat all your dinner, then you cannot have dessert?” These are trickier, mostly because this is where there is potential for punishments to masquerade as consequences. When the “consequence” created isn’t related to the decision made, it’s a punishment. When its intention is solely to demonstrate who has power over whom in a situation, it’s a punishment (and bullying). Unfortunately, these are the two kinds of punishments that most people seem to think of when they hear discussion of “consequences.”

As a facilitator, I deal in consequences quite a bit. It’s my job to reflect students’ decisions to them, framing those decisions as catalysts for their consequences. Some facilitators do this mostly during intention-setting and reflection conversations (“You didn’t eat lunch and now you feel angry? Maybe your hunger is causing your anger. What different choice can you make tomorrow so you don’t get hangry?”). I do this, but I also mention consequences as a type or redirection or invitation to thoughtfulness. Those moments usually sound like “You can break your student agreement, but then you’ll have to go to school somewhere else, where you will probably have much less freedom” or “If you yell at your friend, he may not want to play with you anymore” or “You can eat whatever you want for lunch. If you eat only sugary things, you will run out of energy more quickly than if you eat savory things.” I often find it really amusing to play the game of of course you can do X so long as you are ready for consequence Y, but I play because I want kids to know the power of their decisions and the importance of thinking about what effects their actions may have.

Sometimes, though, the natural consequence of an action is really undesirable. Like the school getting shut down (if we leave lots of crumbs around and invite the mice to overrun the school) or someone getting hurt. In those cases, it is the responsibility of the community to protect itself and its members by creating artificial consequences that motivate a change in decision-making before the big, scary natural consequence kicks in.

People sometimes get awkward about creating consequences. They worry about ‘being mean’ or misusing their authority. These worries are unfounded if those creating the consequences focus on their intent (to protect themselves and the community by supporting positive change) and keep the consequence relevant to the situation. For example, if I’m saying inappropriate things to strangers during park trips, the natural consequences include my peers feeling unsafe with me and my inviting a stranger to get angry and retaliate. For their and my safety, my community needs to create a consequence that will motivate me to change my behavior. Banning me from the computer for a week would be a punishment, and I may check my language to avoid the discomfort of the punishment. But…it doesn’t address my behavior. Revoking my permission to go on trips until I demonstrate that I can be trusted to regulate my language would make much more sense; it’s directly related to the problematic situation, addresses the problem behavior, and protects me/others from the natural consequences that are imminent if my behavior continues.

So, to recap: understanding that our decisions invite natural consequence can be really empowering, learning the connection between their decisions and the consequences that arise is important for young humans, and constructing preventative consequences is the responsibility of those in relationship with each other…and is often the most compassionate, supportive thing to do when problems arise.

I hope you’ve gained some clarity as a consequence of taking time to read this 😉

Fundraising!

I’ve had plans for some time to start a crowdfunding campaign. The idea showed up last year, when I wished we had funds to cover more pricey field trips so that all students who wanted to go could do so easily. Since we’re a private school, we don’t receive state funding and so are dependent on tuition from families to keep the school open. Keeping things thriving on such a lean budget isn’t too difficult with all the free resources in NYC and online…but it does mean our facilitators don’t have extra time to add “grant writing” to their kanbans. It also means we don’t have much of a budget to, for example, cover train fare upstate or help a student visit another ALC or buy multiple students’ tickets into the Frick Museum.

When this conversation first made it into an Assembly meeting last year, @geva suggested that we focus on raising “scholarship” funds. If we think in terms of all families not paying the full tuition possible on our sliding scale as receiving financial aid, the aid has so far been in negative terms…as a discount. One possible approach to fundraising would be to raise enough that the donations would cover the difference between what each family actually pays and the possible full tuition. This would be pretty great, since it would give the school more financial stability and access to more resources while also shifting our approach to financial aid from subtractive (a discount) to additive (a scholarship).

I’m present to the goal of raising enough to bump us from the-budget-we-have to the-budget-we’d-have-if-we-cared-less-about-accessibility-and-only-accepted-full-paying-families is a huge goal. I’m also painfully aware that we have a couple of families who are struggling to afford the base tuition amount and would appreciate a scholarship that translated into lower payments for them. These knowings have been on my mind for a while…but I’ve decided to put off worrying about how to most effectively disseminate a scholarship fund until we have established one. Which means…until I’ve build a fundraising page that people can and are using.

@tomis shared a fundraising plugin with the Fundraising Working Group from ALC-NYC a few weeks ago, but it seems like everyone in the community has been too busy to make moves since then. After a brief check-in with @drew and with @tomis about his test run of the plugin, I sat down today to play with it myself.

I decided to test the plugin by making a page from my personal account–attached to my blog instead of attached to the main nyc.agilelearningcenters.org website–and it took me about two hours of poking around. It was pretty easy…I think it’ll go much faster when I make the scholarship fund page, because I won’t have to spend so much time looking up programming definitions and color codes.

This is the page I made! It’s active, if you’d like to donate 😉

Please comment here if you have feedback (if it doesn’t require sophisticated coding skills, I’ll revise the page accordingly). And keep an eye out for the Scholarship Fund-Raising page…Coming soon!

 

Visions

There was a lot of talk at ALF Weekend about visioning. What is the ALC project? What kind of growth do we want? Where? How fast? Why? Who wants to be doing what? What would our mission statement for the network sound like (if it’s different from those of schools…but what are those)?

The questions came from an underlying wondering: with so many ALFs in so many places, do we share a vision?

@sarataleff started a group document to track various people’s responses to these questions and try to tease out the common thread. @abram asked me, after a conversation with Sara, about visioning ALC as in the business of offering alternative schooling, which leads to questions about what our relationships to other kinds of schools. Valid, since ALC-NYC is a school and we often talk about our philosophy in terms of comparison to other approaches to schooling. But I cringed, because a schooling-focused vision of ALC potential isn’t what I’m ultimately working to achieve.

Shortly after, a parent emailed the ALC-NYC finances group, unknowingly laying out points of a conversation staff had been playing with to varying degrees since ALF Summer. He was pointing to the need to develop a plan to grow and grow sustainably. What, he wondered, was our vision for ALC-NYC?

Both conversations–the network level one and ALC-NYC level one–will definitely be fascinating, ongoing, and significant in determining the future of both entities. Where I have time and energy, I plan to weigh in on both. That said, after talking with Abe and Bear last week, I realized that it may be worthwhile to write out my present ideas, if only to practice articulating them so I can do so more concisely in the [increasingly frequent] discussions.

Network Vision, aka: What is it and what is it for?

In ALC-NYC, the philosophy behind Agile Learning Centers is expressed through an entity that is, as Abe said, an alternative school. We run a school. We take attendance, serve young people of an age where the law requires that they be enrolled in some program of “schooling,” track immunization data, talk about graduation around the age of 17-18, and file lots of paperwork with the DOE.

But the ideas we make our decisions from–trusting each other and the power of relationships, that learning is natural and constant, that self-directed and experiential learning is most powerful, etc.–the “roots and branches” we publish on our website, don’t only apply to humans between the ages of six and eighteen. And building communities based on these principles doesn’t only serve school-aged humans or lead to the establishment of schools.

Right now, people are making ALC schools because…that’s where the need is. I, as a legal adult, can choose to pursue education at home, through work, at school, in meet-ups, or in any of a huge number of possible settings. Or not. A fourteen-year-old, on the other hand, can only choose between kinds of schools. And they can only choose in as much as their parents are supportive of their choosing anything other than the public school or private school that they want.

And I’m glad we’re convening schools. I’m so glad that ALC is an option so that kids have a place to self-direct their days in community. I don’t need to go into detail about why playing with kids is one of the most assured ways to change the future. It’s cool, what we do. I love it. It’s just not where my network vision begins or ends.

In looking for the source of my vision, I poked at definitions. School, for example. What is it and what is it for? It’s that place the government requires adults send family members between ages five and eighteen (approximately). It’s purpose has changed over the years, but it includes providing a non-work, non-street (ie trouble-making) place for young people to be supervised while their parents work, acculturating cohorts of young people so they identify with a particular mythology (nationalistic, STEM, here’s-how-you-relate-to-authority, religious, etc.), exposing students to each topic on the common core checklist, and administering tests/labels to help sort society. I won’t get into class replication or Ilych’s theory about disempowering dissidents; suffice it to say that people have other theories about what school is and what it’s for, beyond what is useful to us here.

ALC isn’t about schooling. We think more about mentoring and guiding than supervising, and we reject the mandatory teaching of isolated subjects or the call to reduce children to piles of statistics. However alternative our schools may be, they don’t set out to be schools so they can perform schooling. They are schools, almost as a disguise, to give kids a place to escape schooling into a richer, more supportive setting, in spite of legalities restricting what kinds of places they can spend their days in.

We get away with it, because Schooling-y schools have for a long time tended to a myth which is now nearly unquestioned in our culture: schools are for learning. A place of learning and education (for kids between ages x and y, where there are intentionally selected adults in loco parentis) is a school. Thanks to this fantastic definition, ALCs can have nothing to do with schooling and yet be schools. Which is really convenient, but also means that the vision for ALCs can’t be elicited solely from our definition of “school.”

So let’s play with other definitions, like “learning” and “education.” We use those words a lot. “Learning” is a dynamic word pointing to the process by which we modify our knowledge and skills. We learn new things. Learn things we knew better. Learn that everything we read in that last article was fictitious, so we should negate it and practice discrimination in choosing our sources. But I’m getting ahead of myself…”Learning” is one of the ways we modify our brain structures, which is happening in response to everything and everyone we experience, according to that sweet CrashCourse video InterALC Psychology watched last week. And our brains are plastic for much of our lifespan (depending on how we care for them). So “learning,” to quote an Agile Root, is natural and happening all the time. The process of learning is tied to education. Education is very similar to learning: it’s what we focus our attention on, what experiences we expose ourselves to, what we pick up from the models around us. Sometimes “education” is the sum of our learning (to this point). Other times, it’s the pursuit of learning. We use the word a few different ways. You can google the etymology, but more interesting to me is that “education” started out as a midwife’s term meaning “to be present at the birth of.” So while the words are mostly similar, “learning” focuses on the personal process, while “education” focuses on the engagement with an other that leads to learning, intentionally or not. And I…I get to be the educator…the one who is present at the birth of the learner to their possibility. I get to be the witness (and sometimes the dula…?).

Connecting the potential of Agile Learning Centers to “learning” and “education” feels much more authentic to me than connecting it to “school.” The idea that we are about creating places of learning, where the education structures support self-direction and autonomy in community, sounds really right, and like an idea that has enormous potential–whether or not mandatory school-attendance gets abolished any time soon.

I see Agile Learning Centers as just that: community centers, designed to support human learning, and based on an approach to learning/community-organizing that emphasizes trust and support and…agility. Which means we should keep making schools. And preschools. And coworking spaces. And cafes. And libraries/research centers. And book clubs. And senior centers. And art centers. And collective houses. And eco-villages containing all the other kinds of ALCs. The possibilities seem limited only by our imaginations, and the potential of such places to change the world for the better simply by existing in it seems enormous. I envision organisms of communities networked to form an ecosystem that empowers people and shifts cultures. Much bigger than a handful of schools.

ALC-NYC Vision: Growing anything in NYC is like gardening in a terrarium.

When I showed up as a curious not-yet-volunteer at “The Agile Learning Center at Manhattan Free School,” I saw four white men in a room and I almost wrote the project off. I was already uncertain about any project mixing technology industry and education pop-phrases (high reactivity to STEM obsession) and was a little wary of Free Schools based on the lack of community and staff burnout I had noticed while interning at one.

In spite of my hesitation and skepticism, by the end of the information session I was signing up to volunteer at the school three mornings a week. Within months, it was clear that I had a shared vision with Ryan and Tomis: to grow the six-student, two-staff, financially desperate school into a thriving community with double the students, the ability to hire me, and financial stability.

A lot has happened since then, but here’s the present situation: We’re 15 students and growing. Ryan and I are full-time facilitators and full-time co-administrators/conductors (rather than “directors”) with Tomis, who still does bunches for ALC-NYC but is around less and less as he settles into married life in Charlotte. And now there are other ALFs in the city: @sarataleff has a littles program in far away Greenpoint, Drew is in and out with network/web stuff, Abe is running extended day, and Bear is testing the viability of being an ALC admissions ninja. Things are happening.

Space-wise, we’re present to our lack of gym/outdoor space, the distance between East Harlem and Greenpoint being a deterrent to increased age-mixing and a challenge for parents wanting to enroll kids at each ALC, and our inability to provide an adult co-working space for parents to hang in and students to find more role models in. If I’m being picky, I’d love that space to have room for a cafe and be open to neighborhood people.

And I want to upgrade our makerspace so it’s more accessible and versatile.

And I want to upgrade our library so it’s full of books kids want to read.

And I want to make sure certain Occupational Therapy toys are available, because sometimes you just need a weighted blanket to feel better.

Staff-wise, we need to do some reorganizing. Tomis wants to fully hand his role and duties over to someone New York based. Sara wants to be an administrator but needs gifted and trusted facilitators to take over her Cottonwood program first. With Ryan and I facili-admin-conducting, we’re feeling the need for another facilitator soon. ASAP if we keep wearing all the hats we’re wearing. Less urgently if we get to offload non-facilitation work to a new director or administrator first. Either way, we’re already aware that we can’t take on starting crowdfunding campaigns, running monthly potlucks, or upgrading our collaborative documentation of kids’ learning without support. And these are things we’d really like to do. We have some potential plans and some promising prospects, but finding the money to pay everyone a livable salary and lining up the people we have so all the shifts in work go smoothly…that’s more challenging. And some of our prospects aren’t quite ready. And some, we’re not sure where’s the best place for them. It’s a really fun, really challenging game, and the stakes aren’t too high yet…but it feels like they will be soon.

So my vision for ALC-NYC is for it to move into one building or a few neighboring spaces, so that the age-mixing can be expanded to include early learners and adults while making logistics easier for parents. I’d like the space to be well equipped and integrated into the neighborhood. I want a facilitator for Cottonwood so Sara can focus on running things there (or at both programs). And I want another facilitator for ALC-NYC, either so Ryan and I can be more supported in wearing our many hats, so the school can continue to grow, or so I can support facilitation while holding coherence for admin-ing/conducting/relationship-tending to take that off Ryan and x’s plates and let them focus on being kick-ass facilitators (until we can get people in directing/administrating, when I’d like to go back to facilitating…though with more support I could facilitate and community-build).

That’s a messy vision, blurred by wonderings about money and logistics (will anyone else be crazy enough to accept a job that’s constant–though wonderful–work, ok pay, and no healthcare?).

The clearer vision is simpler: I want a space big enough to integrate programs for different age groups. I want a supportive, diverse, thriving community (and tending it to be part of my workload). I want all staff in the positions they are reaching for now, and for new, talented ALFs to join us as we grow, so that everyone’s workload is reasonable. I want the school to be financially solvent, with the ability to add new staff as needed, pay existing staff fairly, and offer healthcare so we can attract more diverse adults (since it’s really only us young, childless, healthy, or covered-by-someone-else’s-plan people who will consider the jobs otherwise). I don’t really worry about the school growing; I trust that will happen…I’m more interested in how to make sure our growth is managed so that kids, families, and staff have the resources and support they need to keep building incredible, interconnected lives.

 

 

 

Talking to Parents

You like and trust kids. You value play. You live the Agile Roots, honor your agreements, understand the power of authentic relationships, and are generally on-board with all this ALC stuff. It makes sense to you. So you head off to ALF Summer so you can get all trained up to be an ALF.

Or maybe you start by volunteering in a school…Regardless, they’ll find you sooner or later. They’ll see you there, with Peter Gray quotes decorating your kanban, and they’ll make a bee-line towards you. They’re…the adults.

I find facilitation with young people relatively intuitive. Supporting adults takes more work, simply because they generally have more un-schooling to do than children do. I used to joke and pretend that I preferred working with kids to working with adults. That’s not true, though, and it’s a good thing. Because there’s no way to ALF and not facilitate for adults. There just isn’t. Even if you aren’t one of the main adults responsible for a school or summer training program, at some point the adults will find you and ask you to live up to your title. To be a facilitator.

Depending on who and where you are, most of these adults may be friends and family members out in the world. They may be young adults interning or volunteering near you, trying to learn about different approaches to education or discern whether they want to become an ALF. And while those conversations can be challenging until you are experienced enough that they flow (and they will…), they’re not the ones I get asked about most.

Usually, it’s the parents people wonder how to talk to.

Sometimes, young ALFs ask because they’re worried about being taken seriously, and new ALFs ask because they’re worried they won’t do a “good enough” job in some way. Sometimes transferring parents ask because they’re used to not having a voice or to being antagonized by teachers in previous schools. Sometimes new parents ask because they want to know that we’ll support them in working through challenges or fears; that we’ll share stories with them about what their kid is doing; that we’ll make this whole parenting-a-self-directed-learner thing as easy as we can for them. That we’ll be Facilitators.

I should also mention that sometimes kids ask, because they want to have more effective discussions with their parents. Or because they’re wondering how I could possibly spend so much time writing emails and having meetings. No hiding things from them 😉

How do you see parents?

This question always tempts me to grin and answer “with my eyes,” but that’s only partly true. I see them with my eyes, but more often I see them with my mind’s eye. They’re on the other side of the phone line or computer screen, these complex humans who love and are dedicated to the care of other (smaller) complex humans. Who want deeply to make sure their children grow into fulfilled, joyful adults. Who also have an enormous job (you created and are growing a human?!?) to do with no breaks while trying to preserve their personal lives and navigating the busy and expensive New York City of 2015.

I hear of other settings where parents are mistrusted, criticized, or generally looked down on, and where their concerns are treated as challenges to teachers’ power and so received with hostility. This makes no sense to me. I want what’s best for this kid. They want what’s best for this kid. We’re on the same team, in a community that values trust, respect, and open communication. Maybe we’ll disagree sometimes about what “best for this kid” looks like or how to get there (and maybe we’ll disagree so much that they’ll decide to choose a school with a different philosophy). If our relationship is build on trust and we keep conversation channels open, we’ll find ways to work it out and cooperate to support the kid we both love.

To the young ALFs and new ALFs

You don’t need to be scared of parents. They don’t bite, and they’re not out to get you in trouble. Those fears come from myths educators are told so that they see policy-makers and curriculum-developers as closer allies than students’ parents (I won’t take space here speculating who such myths serve…). The fears may also come from your experiences as a disempowered young person whose relationships with authority figures were warped by the assumption that your interests conflicted. The reality is that parents are humans who want an awesome life for a young person who you coincidentally also want an awesome life for. Yay partnership!

If you’re worried about being taken seriously because you’re generally insecure, you may not be quite ready to ALF. Kids and parents will pick up on insecurity and self-doubt, and why should they trust you if you don’t trust yourself? Do some introspection. Call a friend (or me!). Come play and grow at ALF Summer. And check back in when you’ve got that self-doubt in check enough to speak and act with conviction (which doesn’t mean you never get to say you don’t know something…).

If you’re worried about being taken seriously because you’re young or new to this work, remember that sincerity is far more powerful than rhetoric. Be your authentic self, speaking honestly from your own experience while staying open to learning. I entered ALC as the youngest ALF (and only female at the time…). I’ve found that those who start out not taking me seriously on account of my age (or gender) usually change their attitude when I start sharing my observations and experiences, since I speak with sincerity and conviction. And this was before we had such a thorough website and amazing FAQ page to offer as resources! You’ve got a community and some sweet resources available to you, for yourself and to offer to others. You’re exactly as capable and probably more supported than you imagine yourself to be. You can do this!

I always try to enter conversations with parents from a place of openness, compassion, and partnership. Before we start, I take a moment to think of them with respect and gratitude. I may also use this moment to focus and release any hurriedness or stress I’m carrying from the day. I want my body language and energy to communicate–before either of us says a word–how confident I am in us both and that our relationship is important enough to me that I’m putting aside other work to attend to it. Then I listen. I always try to listen first, even if I think I know what’s on the parent’s mind or on our agenda.

It’s like facilitating with kids. When they come to you with a concern, you listen and you listen deeply. You are listening to the words, but also for what they’re feeling. Are they afraid of something or asking for something? Are they projecting their own upset onto someone else or a relationship? What do they need and how can you support them? Sometimes, you may choose to actually ask them these questions, and other times you may choose to reflect what they’ve said to help them hear themselves. You collaborate if asked; resist personalizing it if slighted; remember that different people can define the same word differently. Be open to the chance that you’re wrong and being given an opportunity to grow. Breathe. Speak honestly and simply. And hey, sometime’s you’ll be too busy to talk and someone won’t realize you’re in the middle of something. You can (and should) let them know: “Honestly, I really want to be here for you, but I’m in the middle of something and a little distracted. Can we schedule a time to talk later, so I can give you and this topic the focus you deserve? I really appreciate your understanding.” By holding your boundaries and communicating them clearly, you let others know you respect yourself and also that you value their thoughts enough to want to make time to really hear them. Most people respond well to this 🙂 

I have found (in general, in the world) that people appreciate specific compliments about themselves and specific, heartful anecdotes about their children. I’ve found it powerful to complicate the thinking of those I disagree with by responding with an expression of curiosity and a question about how they arrived at their belief or what they meant by their word choice. I’ve noticed that things move faster when expectations, consequences, and deadlines are clearly communicated. I’ve also noticed that if I’m frustrated it’s often because I didn’t make my expectations clear enough at the start of things (and when others are frustrated with me, I conversely try to figure out what expectation they had that I misinterpreted or missed). Having grown up in a family that didn’t really know how to communicate well (we’ve all been learning together over the years…), I’ve had to figure out a lot of effective communication practices on my own. So I can assure you that Google, friends, and many people within the ALF network have lots of great pointers. As long as you’re listening compassionately and speaking authentically, you’ll do just fine.

To the transferring parents and new parents

First things first, let me answer the questions that come up most. No, we aren’t going to take your kids and bar you from the space. You’re welcome to participate by making offerings and showing up for assembly meetings. Please also reach out to your local ALFs with questions and concerns. We value your partnership, and we practice building authentic relationships on trust, communication, and mutual support.

Yes, we see and value the role you play in your child’s development. We respect the power of your relationship with them. There’s a diagram I draw for new ALFs sometimes where you, me, and your kid are the points of a triangle. I explain that conventional schooling strains the relationships which make up the sides of the triangle: kid-parent, parent-teacher, and teacher-kid. When your relationship with your kid involves coercing them to do homework you don’t necessarily care about (and between your return from work and their bedtime, you only have three hours with them…), that’s unnecessary stress. When I’m the source of that stress because I’m assigning them homework and then chastising you for their struggling against doing it, that puts us in conflict (or deeper conflict, if you already resent me for ruining the few hours each night you have to enjoy your kid). If I’m trying to force the kid to do homework and test prep because my job depends on their scores, then our relationship is going to be really strained, too. Which is why the ALC triangle looks different. When each of the relationships is based in trust and respect then nurtured through communication, the dynamic changes and the triangle is a much more pleasant place to be.

All this to say that I’m not going to antagonize you and will gladly listen to your thoughts. I won’t police the expectations or boundaries you set with your kids–like limits on their during-school-video-game use–but I’m glad to remind them that they have those agreements with you and to support them in making choices that honor your relationship. I’m also glad to tell you stories of the amazing things your kid does and says through the week. And to listen to your worries and ease them as best I can. And work through challenges with you. And celebrate with you.

And most ALFs feel the same. We know choosing to do something weird and wonderful and different can feel hard and lonely sometimes. We know parenting a self-directed learner is an adjustment from parenting a kid through normal school, and we know it can be hard not to know what your kid is doing all day. We know that even when your sure you’re making the right choice for your kid, it’s nice to hear acknowledgements of your work and the stories unfold as we witness your child’s journey. Sometimes we’ll be super busy, and sometimes we’ll put our feet in our mouths (sorry!). It may seem like we have it easy–without papers to grade and lesson plans to write–but constantly improvising to respond to kids’ interests, being super present all day to support them, juggling all the details of running a school (since we tend not to have separate administrators, event planners, or counselors/family coordinators to do that for us like regular school teachers do) can be a lot of work. This means we may not be able to answer your email until the end of the school day or to meet with you until next week, but it doesn’t mean we don’t want to hear you. Part of the reason we blog and instagram and tumble and have a social-network-esque website is so you have resources for when your local ALF has all of his or her twenty hands full at the moment. But we’ll tell you when we’re too distracted to hear you as well as we want, rather than pretending to listen. We may point you to other resources or ask to schedule a meeting so we can block off that time to put everything else down and turn our attention to you. And here’s me asking for your understanding when that happens. Know we want to support you and partner with you to support your kid. We want to hear you and share with you. I, for one, am really really grateful for the ALC-NYC parent community. I’m so grateful for parents trusting their kids and trusting themselves and trusting me. I wouldn’t be able to do many of the amazing things I do with students (like overnight trips to Philadelphia for theater workshops) if I didn’t have trustful relationships with their parents, and I’m always glad to put work into nurturing those friendships.

To the kids who notice and wonder

Hey. Your grown-ups care about you. A lot. When they’re excited or worried or frustrated and writing to me, it’s nearly always because they so so soooo want the best in the world for you. And sometimes I write them extra emails back to brag about how awesome you are, since I get to see you all day and they don’t. You and I may both be a little aghast at the number of email I have to respond to each week. But I’m grateful for each one. If you think about it, you might be, too.

Who I Am and What I Do

(…right now…in the ALC context…)

I’m Abby. Yes, it’s a nickname. Yes, with a ‘y.’

I’m NYC-based, presently Holding and co-facilitating at ALC-NYC with @ryanshollenberger. We play regularly with @tomis @abram @bear @drew and other roving ALFs who swing through our space, and we love hosting visitors from other ALCs.

At school, kids come to me to talk about field trips, books, museums, art, plants, languages, history, gender politics, education history, and whatever else they feel like. I show foreign films, lead city adventures (often involving food), and doodle constantly…usually mandalas or flash sketches of people around me. I love playing with kids (and grown-ups). Playing inside and outside…physical games and board games and imagination games.

I also handle lots of the administration stuff that Tomis can’t do from afar, like collecting and organizing paperwork and coordinating student/visitor/volunteer schedules. I also do lots of communication with parents: email threads, texting pictures, posting to Tumblr, and blogging stories as well as reflections. Communicating with parents is really fun for me and comes pretty naturally. It mixes my desire to brag about how awesome kids are, my interest in supporting other on their self-growth/unschooling journeys, and my somewhat compulsive image-making (photos, doodles, doodle notes of conversations and thought trains…) in a way that others seem to find useful.

In the larger network, I don’t officially do much. When specific projects involving explaining what we do (or simplifying/spell-checking other people’s explanations) arise, I love jumping on those. Having lots of experience both working in and critically studying education systems, I feel really comfortable and confident answering lots of different kinds of questions that come up related to ALC. I’ve made myself available to get grilled by business people and professors about what we do, spoken on a Q&A panel, led ALF Summer discussion groups, and contributed to Starter Kit and ALC Network Website content. I also practice informal coaching and heartspace-holding for other ALFs. My server self (ref. archetypes) feels fulfilled and useful when I can support others, and I could easily see myself someday helping with logistics planning for group events (like ALF Summer) which others would facilitate and then showing up to offer one-on-one walks, lunch conversations, and evening salons as my contribution to the experience. I’d also love to do similar small discussion events with parents from other ALCs and aspiring facilitators. Someday.

My non-ALC self loves exploring New York City and the nature around it. I get really excited about sharing those adventures with others. I moved here from outside Philadelphia (Coatesville, PA!), but have also lived in Berlin, Prague, and a village in the Republic of Georgia called Oni. In past lives I was a professional gift-wrapper and bow-maker, event planning intern for an artist in Berlin (Despina Stokou is amazing), equestrian and trainer, garden shop do-everything-person, TEFL teacher, and summer camp director. I went to a self-directed university program where I started out studying story-telling, but then I realized I was interested in the connection between story-telling, identity development, and politics/power structures. Which naturally led me through nationalism development (with Central/Eastern European case studies) to education systems and philosophies (which I’d been studying on the side for fun the whole time).

I have always enjoyed gathering really interesting, wonderful friends and then connecting them…a practice I continue within and without ALC at present. Thaaaat’s all for now!

 

 

Blurry Week

Happy first week of Autumn!!!! The air is chilly and the leaves are changing. And I have seasonal allergy sniffles; time for honey and oregano oil (@kingthanos’ favorite).

I got sucked into some legally, technicalish things Monday after Set-the-Week, while also trying to keep a pulse on the tempers of a few folks who entered the space tense and irritable. Which meant I didn’t do Maths club (props to @douglasawesome and @ryanshollenberger for their dedication!) or drawing at AMNH (but have you seen @failspy’s sketches?!?) like I wanted to. But then I played some physical games with @agilealfie and practiced handstands with @thewitchqueen908 while catching up on her present ideas about exercise, make-up, and atheism. I felt pretty awesome after playing, and I made a mental note that intense physical exertion helps me shake stress/distraction really effectively.

Tuesday I participated in the Blueprint of We workshop that @bear ran, inspired by a Culture Committee conversation last week. Very shortly after the workshop I noticed @agilealfie using some of the practices for managing frustration that he wrote out with Bear. What was really cool was that other kids noticed and acknowledged him for doing so when sharing during Gratitude Circle. Yay Alfie! And yay Bear, whose facilitation during the workshop was clearly coming from a supportive, trusting, receptive, empowering place…which I noticed kids responding really positively to.

After that, I did the InterALC Psychology meet-up. It was a little frustrating at first: we started a half hour late because those facilitating wanted to wait for attendees who were late coming or came on time and then excused themselves…I didn’t actually mind that people wasn’t punctual, and I appreciate the feeling of being a facilitator and wanting to be accommodating. But next time I’m going to suggest we stick to the times communicated. Then people are free to show up a little late or duck out without holding the group up. Fortunately I had help playing an amusing not-quite-Bananagrams game while waiting.

Which reminds me to mention that @liam visited Monday and Tuesday! And we played Bananagrams! And he gave me a gold ALF sticker! I’m really glad Liam came to school. Because I like being around him and watching our awesome ALCNYC humans meet awesome otherALC humans, but also because we were at the Maker Faire different days last weekend [Sidebar: I went to the Maker Faire with @drew to see the spectacular Galactic Nemeses showcase by @douglasawesome @timotree and Will. The geekiness was delightful, a little overwhelming, and brain-exploding. I kept taking breaks to just watch 3D printers work because that was a calming, meditative thing to focus on amidst all the hubub].

Wednesday we had a park trip planned, but then it rained. But I played a bunch of improv theater games instead, so it worked out. I don’t remember the rest of the day so well. I don’t really remember Thursday either. And I can’t check my kanban because it’s Sunday night and I’m writing from home…I’ve been spending community blogging hour on Friday taking dictations from younger students and supporting those still learning to write in spelling different things, so I didn’t have time at school.

Thursday night I did hang at school late for some meetings and a Parent Interest Night. My friend Vincent came in (late) so that he could come to school on Friday to hang out and teach some sea shanties, as per a student request a few weeks ago. He did that on Friday with @douglasawesome and @failspy. I hope they blog about what they learned, because I really wanted to sit in on that offering but was the only accountable-for-facilitating adult in the space and so got sucked into woodshop support (fantastically! with @pigsfly and @agilealfie, who you should ask about their creations) and ALF support (@abram you’re so incredibly generous, loving, and patient. I hope those you went out of your way to help on Friday saw and appreciated your care).

There was also a coconut and GROOC homework somewhere in that week, but I don’t know quite where. After saying good-bye to Vincent, I ran out of the city for the weekend…to meet up with @pigcraft8 for some fire, fishing, cabin camping, hiking, Plop Trumps, and milkshakes between Harriman State Park and Tuxedo, NY. We’re plotting an ALCNYC camping trip, though we want a different hike than the one we did today (and I did yesterday…) because it was a bit tough for smaller-legged people. We’ll think of something though. Stay tuned 😉

 

 

 

 

 

9/21

Monday I lived in the front and top of my head. I started a list of keeping-a-school-running tasks/logistics/legal requirements that I’ll use as a reference next summer, so I can get a bunch of admin work done before the actual start of school (unlike this year…where I wasn’t organized because I didn’t realize quite how much I’d be taking on). A conversation with an awesome woman Bear brought in started me thinking of an outline for a SparkNotes-esque “How to ALF” post for newcomers. A conversation with David (and a series of others) started me thinking about a post on supporting parents. There were so many emails and email and emails…About growing an organization. About metrocards. About attendance. About the pope.

Then @douglasawesome and @failspy invited me to the museum to draw animals, and I went. Came up with an idea while driving to imitate those preschool groups where adults lead vested kids on group-leashes through the park, with the roles reversed of course. Played outside while walking. Drew elephants and lions while hanging out with some awesome humans (much warm gratitude to Alex Patz for offering the trip). Came back to school feeling very balanced after the creative, heart-space expression.

Jumped into conversations with kids about food, playing at acro, and the GROOC I’m starting on edx. It was a really great day.

Tuesday was full of younger kids fighting, older kids Culture Committee-ing, and parents emailing. It all went smoothly and I felt really comfortable throughout–sure that our community and structures could support all the pressure and support it well–but it was a pretty consistently challenging day. I was pretty exhausted by the end of it…but exhausted in that way that comes from challenges and growing. So exhausted in the best way.

Wednesday, most people went on a trip to the Uncommons. I stayed back to hold down the fort 🙂 I got to play dodgeball with @agilealfie @pigcraft8 and @heartabby. Alfie and James did a really good job changing up the dynamics of the game to keep it fun in spite of their combined OP’ness and Sterling’s frustration with dodgeball including projectiles coming at him. Then we came downstairs and played some Monkey-in-the-Middle. Made tea, then went back to our computers for the last bit of the day.

Today I ended up doing acro with @failspy @douglasawesome @thewitchqueen908 @serenagermany and @pigsfly for most of the morning, then painting with @creeperclaws for most of the afternoon. There’s no school tomorrow, because the pope will be in the neighborhood and traffic is predicted to be messy.

@bear and @ryanshollenberger are crammed in the elevator right now with pieces of the Galactic Nemeses cabinet, in the process of bringing it to the Maker Faire (this weekend!). I’m glad to be blogging and not trying to fit in there with them 😉

Enjoy the weekend!

 

 

 

First full week!

And it was a visiting week! AAAAND it still feels likes summer outside!

I…did a bunch of paperwork this week. Logged everyone’s permission forms and health forms and applied for new metro cards and made a parent directory and started working on student ID cards…

That said, I also got to paint, do improv games in the park on Wednesday, walk in the park today, and read a bunch of a book @thewitchqueen908 is sharing with me. I really enjoyed the inter-ALC offering of Psychology, and I’m glad inter-ALC Spongebob Philosophy happened even though I didn’t get to go. Also super grateful for all the volunteers coming in to share offerings this year. It’s pretty wonderful to walk around and see so many different kinds of activities happening around the school.

Definitely feeling that I’ve been staring at my computer too much. I have spreadsheet brain! Fortunately, I’m plowing through my to-do list and should have more time for physical play next week.

Shout outs to @timotree @jacobcb @failspy and @kingthanos for their facilitation this week! It’s work to acculturate a bunch of new kids 😉 I love that you run this place! You have my appreciation and gratitude (and love…of course). Cheers!